I've felt completely stagnant and a bit lost with my social media for quite a while now, definitely for well over a year but probably longer. Before it was just a dull nagging that I couldn't put my finger on, a vague feeling of dissatisfaction with everything I was putting out. It's really come to a head these past few months of feeling completely uninspired but at last things have begun to click into place to help me realise exactly what it is that's wrong: it's me.
I've had mental health issues for a long long time, but it's gotten worse as I get older. Because of that, I'm left feeling exposed and self conscious and like I need to filter everything. I get so used to wearing a mask I feel like I don't know how to even be me anymore. I’ve struggled a lot throughout my life with lack of confidence and feelings of inadequacy, largely due to a lot of abuse I suffered growing up. I’m not trying to throw a pity party, it’s just a fact that it shapes who you are when you grow up under constant scrutiny. So if I do something and others seem to approve, then I feel validated and that becomes all I feel I'm allowed to show because I feel like that's why people like me, and presume no one is interested about anything else I may have to say. And I inevitably get bored of that and loose interest, constantly trying to outrun myself.
I really feel like through blogging I've completely lost sight myself by trying to force myself into a box. Maybe that sounds silly, but to me blogging has always felt like an extension of myself through creative expression - or at least it used to! I've always had eclectic taste, changing my style to fit my mood. Blogging has made me boring and cookie cutter, like I have to be just like everybody else and fit the mould people were following me for and believed I was. I can't tell you the amount of outfits I've documented that don't feel like me, and I feel like online culture has helped feed into my insecurities even more: this blogging notion that you have to put yourself into a particular box by way of a “theme”, as well as the vintage subcultures ideas of having to look period accurate. Fuck all that.
It's not that I don't like vintage anymore - I do with my entire heart, it inspires me massively and always has. But it's never something I used to be all about all of the time, and I've found myself becoming much more toned down and reserved. I now look at things I used to wear four years ago and think I could never wear that anymore. Why??? It's not just clothes, I feel like I've lost sense of my own identity and don't even recognise myself anymore.
When I think about myself a few years ago, I used to wear what the hell I liked with complete and utter confidence and didn't even notice the gaze of strangers. Any negative comments I got I'd simply laugh at their ignorance. Now I scuttle around in the background, too scared to draw attention to myself. I visited Liverpool over August bank holiday weekend (a write up of which is coming very soon!) and that was when it really became apparent to me how much I'd changed, how scared I was. As I was packing I literally put things aside with the thought "that's too eye catching, I don't want to be noticed." Realising I felt like that made me feel like I'd died inside. Why am I not worth noticing? Why have other people's opinions of me become more important than my own? When did I begin dressing for other people instead of myself?
Dressing how I want makes me happy, and also helps with my paranoia - if people are staring at me I can comfort myself a little by telling myself it's because of the way that I'm dressed instead of anything sinister. So I’ve been going through a bit of a wardrobe overhaul, being what feels more throughly me and trying to be unapologetic about that. Which basically means being more honest on here and social media instead of filtering my life under the bits I presume people are only interested in (even posting this feels scary, but I'm still doing it). I want to stop caring so deeply, stop worrying about possible criticism before it's even happened, to be less harsh on myself and not be scared to show my personality. Maybe then I'll have a blog, YouTube channel, Instagram, etc I can be proud of because it's a true representation of me instead of who I think I need to be in order to be liked.
I'm not sure all of this makes sense as it's emotional word vomit, but nor do I care as I wrote it for me and I'm trying to stop feeling like I have to justify myself over everything. But basically I've looked at myself and realised I don't even recognise myself anymore, and that's got to change. For the first time in god knows how long, I'm really excited for my blog and YouTube channel in the upcoming months. I'm going to Disneyland Paris for Halloween, I'm going to Japan next Easter. After a reflective summer, I'm really feeling confident I can make positive changes into the direction I want.
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